I was working with a client recently when we started discussing his very emotional (frustrated) response to a particular problem he was having at work. He had got so wound up about it that he had become redfaced and flustered looking. To me, he had the classic look of someone who would have a heart attack if he kept responding in this kind of way to things that irritate him.
At the time we laughed, but I reflected on the incident later and when I bumped in to him again we talked about the incident some more. Have you calmed down now, I asked him? “But I love getting angry and complaining”, was his honest response. That got me thinking. Behind every behaviour lies a positive benefit of some kind to the doer, otherwise we wouldn’t do it. By positive, what I mean is that we benefit from it in some way which seems useful to us, even if that behaviour does sabotage us in another way.
I started wondering what was behind many people’s tendency to gossip, complain and be critical of others. You only have to go in to many workplaces to find this happening So what is it about these kind of behaviours that makes them appealing? Here are a few ideas I came up with.
Gossiping and putting other people down gives us a sense of power, self-righteousness and superiority, even if we do it behind their back.
Complaining about other people’s behaviour satisfies our sense of justice and supports the idea that our view of the world is the right one.
When we can make other people look bad, we look good in comparison.
I’m not suggesting that everyone is perfect, or that we have no reason to complain at any time. What I am suggesting is that while complaining and criticising might give us a short term ego fix, it is a toxic behaviour which will undermine our wellbeing and our relationships with other people in the long term. The anti-dote – be generous – focus on what is good about that person – it is usually possible to find something good about others if you try hard enough. If you really need to have a moan, write it down and then tear it up. And if you can’t say something good about someone when you are in the company of others, then seal those lips!
