Well, when it came to dinner time I hadn’t had the chance to cook what I had planned.  My daughter is on a fleeting visit between moves from Auckland to Melbourne.  I had done half the job – roasting the veges for a vegetarian quiche.  The reason for my delay was trying to squeeze in a quick job in the local park with my lovely dog Taylor, who is becoming very accustomed to 2 serious periods of exercise on a daily basis.  I am going to have to watch that or she might get very used to it .  And I might get very tired.

Anyway, a brief discussion ensued on what we could eat instead of quiche, as it was getting too late to start making pastry, and given that I had managed to cook the roasted veges.  We came up with a number of choices, based on our favourites and what was in the cupboards.  There was toast, roast veges or tuna.

either tuna or toast or roast veges. Hmm, how to choose.

 
But not eggs – these didn’t appeal to Mel.  (I had planned to stir them in to the roast veges and grate cheese on the top.

Hmm, how to choose.  Well actually it was simple.  A quick bit of generative thinking – how to have all of them.  Pile the tuna on the toast and cover with the veges.  Sounded a bit weird to me, but it worked!

 
I did think of putting a scoop of icecream on top to kill two birds with one stone and have dessert at the same time, but that was going a bit far, I think.  Who needs a recipe book!

When you have a new dog it becomes hard to think about anything else.  When you wake up the dog is there, when you go to the bathroom the dog is there, when you come home from work the dog is there, and when you are trying to write a blog post the dog is there.

And so it got me thinking.  I have been noticing a lot about dog personality types.  This came about from my attendance at puppy training classes.  Well, that’s what they call them.  Actually they are owner training classes.  At the classes I took Taylor to there were three little dogs including her, and one rather larger, highly energetic and boisterous Staffie, which terrified me.  I don’t know what it is about them but I couldn’t tell whether this aforementioned one was a friend or a foe.

The first week Taylor hid under my seat.  I thought she was a bit precious.  Wimpy even.  I was worried about her psychological state of mind.  Was she depressed?  Had I already failed as a mother?  Don’t be anthropomorphic, my professional dogtraining neighbour told me.  I had to look the word up.  It means attributing human characteristics to animals, or any other non-human objects for that matter.  Hmm, it’s alright for him to say that, heartless male.  Did he never watch Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck or Bugs Bunny when he was a child?  Mind you, there are some people around who never seemed to have had a childhood.  Until they get to about 40, that is.

Week 2 was better.  Well to start with, anyway.  Taylor crept out from under my chair intermittently to go and snatch some food from the puppy trainer.  She would poke the occasional paw at the chihuahua and growl a bit, while retreating hastily back under my chair at the same time.   Then the Staffie starting lunging at her, tail wagging furiously while baring sharp teeth.  I couldn’t help feeling it was giving mixed messages.  I got under the chair with Taylor.

Breakthrough came during Week 3.  Taylor and the Staffie had a scrap.  There was a lot of yelping.  I was triumphant when I realised that it was the Staffie who was yelping.  Well not really triumphant.  Or maybe just a tiny bit.  Final score – Taylor 1, Staffie 0.  Who was the wimp now?

I wonder what the opposite of anthropomorphism is.  In other words, the qualities of animals such as dogs being transferred to humans.  Whatever it is called we should try it.  Because it is easy to see that dogs have different personalities from each other and play different roles – you can’t imagine for one second that German Shepherds and Yorkshire Terriers are the same as each other in temperament or physical capability and purpose.

So why do we so often fall in to the trap of thinking that humans are all alike, or should be?  That somehow everyone else should think, act or speak the same way that we do.  Why do we disapprove when they have different opinions, when they display characteristics we view as weakness, or behave differently from us?

So the next time your work colleagues are really getting your nerves and you notice yourself finding them wanting, ask yourself this question – ‘Ïf I was a dog, what kind would I be?’  And then ask them the same question.  You’re probably different breeds.  But don’t ask until you see their tails wagging or they might bite you!

We swam at the beach, at least Maxine did.  I got in up to my knees and was about to take the plunge when a young surfer rushed up to me and said he’d seen a shark in the water just where I was standing.  Well, as far as I know there has never been a shark attack in New Zealand but I didn’t hang around to find out if he was telling the truth.  I was quietly grateful to him actually, because the water was feeling a bit chilly and I can be quite cowardly about that.

Anyway, I digress.  Sunday lunchtime came and we had worked up a hunger cutting up pictures out of magazines and talking non-stop.  Maxine went out lunch-scouting and came back with coffees and beautiful classy filled criussants.  One pastrami with tomato, one chicken with avocado.

Which croissant would you choose?

‘You can have first pick.  Which one do you want’, she asked me.  Hmm, I couldn’t decide.  Which one was tastier (yum), which one was more fattening (yikes), which one had tomato (yuck)?    I couldn’t decide, and, good manners prevailing, didn’t actually want to be the one to choose first.  ‘You decide’, I suggested to Maxine.    ‘I don’t mind either’ she replied.

That was a bit annoying.  Cognitive distortion got the better of me.  I can’t stand it when people can’t decide, I thought, blind to the irony of that thinking.  We both stood in silence, looking at each other.  We had reached an impasse.  Then I had a brainwave, a magical flash of insight, intuition and inspiration.  The excitement was almost unbearable.  Of course, we had been stuck in either-or thinking – either this one or that!

I cut the rolls in  two.  We had half of each.

On top of that I was under severe work timeframes, got distracted by my girl friend who needed counselling, bless her, (actually it was more like a good talking to),  and was stressed to the max when I had to leave my cute puppy Taylor for a couple of hours while I did some errands.  The last time I left her it appears that she cried her eyes out for the whole period of my absence.  I don’t remember feeling that level of guilt since my kids were little and I left them in front of the TV while I had a shower.  This time she ate my toilet roll.

The final straw was having to do my accounts.  I have someone who comes in to the house to do the hard stuff.  I was so stressed I abandoned her and went to the neighbour to get help with my puncture.  Unfortunately he couldn’t fix it but offered me a glass of wine instead.  How could I refuse the kindness of a good friend?

I realised that this was not a day to make change careers or have a meaningful conversation with my husband, who has been working overseas for the last 3 months.  All I could think of was every single repair job that needed doing in the house – the bulbs that need replacing which I can’t reach, the gate that needs fixing and is too heavy for me to lift on and off its latch, the fence that hasn’t been stained since it was put up 5 years ago.  If I needed evidence that life is difficult, that nothing is ever done around the place and that I am very feeble at times then I found it today in bucketloads.

Needless to say, what I was actually doing was ignoring all the evidence that life is easy, that things do get done around here and that I can be a very strong person.  Just not today.  And that”s OK.  Because tomorrow is another, brighter day, when I will see things differently and that will be the time to have meaningful conversations, make difficult decisions and replace the toilet roll.  And not a minute sooner.

There are lots of reasons why having a puppy is a good thing.  Here’s one of them.

There are some not so good things about puppies like Taylor.

Firstly, they are so small that you tread on them and then feel really bad.  Then they cry and whimper whenever you leave them and then you feel really bad, again.   Plus, they take a while to get potty trained, which means sometimes they accidentally wee and poo on the carpet and then you feel REALLY bad.  Occasionally they even regurgitate their food, usually on a different part of the carpet, and then what you feel is probably unprintable …  And finally, they eat things they shouldn’t, like pens, and bits of paper, and soil, and toilet rolls ……….

But it’s all their other features which redeem puppies.  The way they look at you with those puppy dog eyes.  The way they wag their tail (the ones with tails do, anyway) when you come through the door.  The way they greet perfect strangers with excitement and absolute trust and unconditional love (till they get to know them, that is), and the way they love to play and have fun, catching balls and chasing anything that moves until they fall down in a heap exhausted.

Some of us adults take things a bit too seriously at times, especially when we are stressed or anxious, or when our energy is low.  There is a lot we can learn about life from puppies.    We can definitely learn a lot from them about how to have fun (but not about pooing on the carpet).  I’m sure most of us can remember having some fun when we were kids.

It’s time to revisit your childhood.  Remember to have fun today – and every day.  I’m off to chase cats.

Notwithstanding that the idea of us having left and right brains has been dispelled by many neuroscientists in recent years,  I will use that terminology here as I think most people understand the idea behind it.   I think the “right brain” is a bit like this – random, creative, overflowing with ideas and dreams, and somehow a bit of a free spirit, free from the restraints of convention, expectation and practicality.

But there are times when the “left brain” approach is far more effective to get jobs done, especially when there are essential things that need to be achieved and a deadline to be met.  This is the time for a to-do list (eek!) and goal setting and chunking down big jobs into a series of smaller tasks.

The question I asked myself this morning when trying to shift from right-brained bliss into left-brained organising mode is how best to achieve that simply and quickly.  Here are a few things that seem to be working for me right now – try some or all of them and let me know how you get on.

1.  Sit down and be still for a few moments.  Focus on your breathing or an object – whatever helps you still your mind.  Write a list of things you want to have done by the end of the day.  You can draw pictures if you prefer.

2.  The advanced version of this process is to then pick the item on the list which has the highest priority and highlight it in some way, or move it in to another column on the page and focus on just that one task until it is complete.  Then move the next most important item into that column and repeat.

2.  Use visualisation to imagine your day in front of you and what you want to get done.  Run it like a movie in your head – first I am going to do this, then this, then this.

3.  See yourself at the end of the day having completed those tasks and how that will make you feel.

4.  Allocate yourself some time in the day to do your random activities (like playtime), and be strict with yourself sticking to your allocation.

5.  Try and find ways of getting things done that suit your personality.  For example, if you have to hang out the washing, make the activity creative – sort the washing items by age, colour, or who they belong to.  Create a work of art on the washing line.  Use all the same colour pegs, or make a patterned lines of pegs based on their colour.

I’m thinking of giving my left brain and right brain behaviours names – that way I can call upon each of them to give me a hand at the appropriate times.  Brian and Brina come to mind.  I’ll keep you posted

It’s summer time in New Zealand, and since Xmas we have had the worst weather I can remember in more than 15 years.  It seems to have rained non-stop since Boxing Day.  Not much fun for campers poor things, (I’ve had my share of washouts when under canvas with my children), but actually I quite enjoyed it for a change.  Firstly, I got to do some decluttering which I badly needed to do, but wouldn’t have done if the weather had been fine, and secondly I started a new jigsaw puzzle.  Doing jigsaws is an activity which I only allow myself over Xmas, since it is so all-consuming and keeps me up till 2am most mornings, just looking for that next piece.

We wouldn’t appreciate the sunshine if it wasn’t for the rain.  Rain gives us the chance to do things we wouldn’t do in the sunshine.  Rain reminds us how great the sunshine is.  Rain brings growth and renewal.  Any rain and sunshine mixed together brings us a rainbox.  Or two.

None of this bothers me at all.  In fact I am grateful for the resources that the country puts into enabling people to have a good time following an age-old tradition of partying and seeing the New Year in with music and fireworks at the beach, while trying very hard to make sure it is an occasion that all the family, young and old, can enjoy without fear of being hurt or abused.  Sure, it is a bit more inconvenient for most of us, in fact very inconvenient for a few local residents (though they have a lot to gain by being well protected) .

Christmas was an especially important time for our family this year, as we said farewell to a beloved Nana the week before Xmas.  We were grateful to have the opportunity to regroup on Xmas Day and just to enjoy each other’s company, with the reminder in the back of our minds that we do not live for ever and that each day and each person matters.  What we enjoyed most was not the food or the presents, but spending time together with mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces and a few close friends.  Wherever you are in the world, and whatever holiday you are celebrating, or not, I hope that 2012 brings you good health, happiness and hope for the future.  Kia Ora.

At the time we laughed, but I reflected on the incident later and when I bumped in to him again we talked about the incident some more. Have you calmed down now, I asked him? “But I love getting angry and complaining”, was his honest response. That got me thinking. Behind every behaviour lies a positive benefit of some kind to the doer, otherwise we wouldn’t do it. By positive, what I mean is that we benefit from it in some way which seems useful to us, even if that behaviour does sabotage us in another way.

I started wondering what was behind many people’s tendency to gossip, complain and be critical of others. You only have to go in to many workplaces to find this happening So what is it about these kind of behaviours that makes them appealing? Here are a few ideas I came up with.

Gossiping and putting other people down gives us a sense of power, self-righteousness and superiority, even if we do it behind their back.
Complaining about other people’s behaviour satisfies our sense of justice and supports the idea that our view of the world is the right one.
When we can make other people look bad, we look good in comparison.

I’m not suggesting that everyone is perfect, or that we have no reason to complain at any time. What I am suggesting is that while complaining and criticising might give us a short term ego fix, it is a toxic behaviour which will undermine our wellbeing and our relationships with other people in the long term. The anti-dote – be generous – focus on what is good about that person – it is usually possible to find something good about others if you try hard enough. If you really need to have a moan, write it down and then tear it up. And if you can’t say something good about someone when you are in the company of others, then seal those lips!