Xmas in New Zealand is the long school holiday as it is summer here right now, and I am taking every opportunity to laze around and read without allowing myself to notice that the carpet needs vaccuuming or that there is washing to be done. I found a gem this week at the local book shop in the book entitled “Embracing Uncertainty” by Susan Jeffers.
As someone who has in the past had a strong need for certainty about most things, it has been really good to remind myself that uncertainty can be exciting and a great opportunity to learn more about ourselves and to explore new paths, rather than a fearful state to be in. You see, the need for certainty can bring great unhappiness and anxiety, while being open to uncertainty can bring excitement and possibiity for a future not yet clear.
Needing certainty can cause us to try to control everything in our lives. We expect people and events to turn out a particular way, and feel let down when they don’t. We adopt certain views about how things “should” be done, and close our minds to the possiblity that there are other and different ways. We form opinions and judge people whose opinions differ from ours. We set goals and make plans but then get attached to the outcomes. It starts to matter to us desperately that we achieve these things, to the extent that we are hugely disappointed when things don’t turn out the way we want them to.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with planning. It is a useful tool to help us move forward and progress towards achieving what we want in life. But we also need to let go of our attachment to how things work out. It’s like saying “whatever happens things will work out fine”. For example, I’d like the new job I have just applied for but it will be OK if I don’t get it. There might be a better job out there, or maybe there is a way that I can make my current job more satisfying. There is nothing wrong with having an opinion either, as long as we are open and accepting to other people whose opinions differ, and are willing to be curious about the reasons they have for those opinions.
Accepting that life is uncertain can be very liberating. The effort required to control everything and the stress often involved in worrying about the way things are going to turn out can be hugely exhausting, and may drain us of energy. How would your life be different if you were able to relax and go with the flow?
The field of NLP (Neuro Linquistic Programming), which looks at how people behave, states that the part of a system which has the most flexibility controls the system. If we extend this idea to ourselves, it means that the more flexible we are and the more options we have to choose from, the more we are likely to succeed. Going with the flow is really about having flexibility – if X doesn’t work out then I will just do Y. Or maybe Z. Developing the flexibility to do and see things differently and be OK with that can be one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself.
