Mind Your Thinking

Appreciating what's not working

Jan 252012

There are days when things just are not going well. Despite your best efforts to feel grateful, positive, calm and composed, the wheels fall off. Almost literally. Today my campervan got a puncture and when I picked up my car from the garage they told me I would need two new tyres and that I shouldn’t drive it again until I had

On top of that I was under severe work timeframes, got distracted by my girl friend who needed counselling, bless her, (actually it was more like a good talking to), and was stressed to the max when I had to leave my cute puppy Taylor for a couple of hours while I did some errands. The last time I left her it appears that she cried her eyes out for the whole period of my absence. I don’t remember feeling that level of guilt since my kids were little and I left them in front of the TV while I had a shower. This time she ate my toilet roll.

The final straw was having to do my accounts. I have someone who comes in to the house to do the hard stuff. I was so stressed I abandoned her and went to the neighbour to get help with my puncture. Unfortunately he couldn’t fix it but offered me a glass of wine instead. How could I refuse the kindness of a good friend?

I realised that this was not a day to make change careers or have a meaningful conversation with my husband, who has been working overseas for the last 3 months. All I could think of was every single repair job that needed doing in the house – the bulbs that need replacing which I can’t reach, the gate that needs fixing and is too heavy for me to lift on and off its latch, the fence that hasn’t been stained since it was put up 5 years ago. If I needed evidence that life is difficult, that nothing is ever done around the place and that I am very feeble at times then I found it today in bucketloads.

Needless to say, what I was actually doing was ignoring all the evidence that life is easy, that things do get done around here and that I can be a very strong person. Just not today. And that”s OK. Because tomorrow is another, brighter day, when I will see things differently and that will be the time to have meaningful conversations, make difficult decisions and replace the toilet roll. And not a minute sooner.

Childhood revisted

Fun No Responses »

Jan 112012

My kids gave me a puppy for Xmas. It was the closest they could get to having one of their own. This way, they get to have a dog every time they visit me. Unfortunately they both live overseas, so that won’t happen much. Still, I suppose, if the dog lives 18 years and they visit me once a year, then they each will get to play with the dog 18 x the number of days of each visit, which is quite a lot.

There are lots of reasons why having a puppy is a good thing. Here’s one of them.

There are some not so good things about puppies like Taylor.

Firstly, they are so small that you tread on them and then feel really bad. Then they cry and whimper whenever you leave them and then you feel really bad, again. Plus, they take a while to get potty trained, which means sometimes they accidentally wee and poo on the carpet and then you feel REALLY bad. Occasionally they even regurgitate their food, usually on a different part of the carpet, and then what you feel is probably unprintable … And finally, they eat things they shouldn’t, like pens, and bits of paper, and soil, and toilet rolls ……….

But it’s all their other features which redeem puppies. The way they look at you with those puppy dog eyes. The way they wag their tail (the ones with tails do, anyway) when you come through the door. The way they greet perfect strangers with excitement and absolute trust and unconditional love (till they get to know them, that is), and the way they love to play and have fun, catching balls and chasing anything that moves until they fall down in a heap exhausted.

Some of us adults take things a bit too seriously at times, especially when we are stressed or anxious, or when our energy is low. There is a lot we can learn about life from puppies. We can definitely learn a lot from them about how to have fun (but not about pooing on the carpet). I’m sure most of us can remember having some fun when we were kids.

It’s time to revisit your childhood. Remember to have fun today – and every day. I’m off to chase cats.

Thinking about my thinking

Productivity, Thinking No Responses »

Jan 072012

This morning I have been thinking about my thinking. I have been cleaning out some cupboards lately. It all seemed a bit random – a bit of a cupboard here, and a bit there. As I said to a friend, I felt like I was hyperlinking my way from place to place. Have you ever had that experience – in the middle of doing a job and something you think about distracts you from the task at hand? It’s easy to end up leaving that job incomplete, or remembering some hours later when you find the cupboard doors open and the contents still spread all over the floor!

Notwithstanding that the idea of us having left and right brains has been dispelled by many neuroscientists in recent years, I will use that terminology here as I think most people understand the idea behind it. I think the “right brain” is a bit like this – random, creative, overflowing with ideas and dreams, and somehow a bit of a free spirit, free from the restraints of convention, expectation and practicality.

But there are times when the “left brain” approach is far more effective to get jobs done, especially when there are essential things that need to be achieved and a deadline to be met. This is the time for a to-do list (eek!) and goal setting and chunking down big jobs into a series of smaller tasks.

The question I asked myself this morning when trying to shift from right-brained bliss into left-brained organising mode is how best to achieve that simply and quickly. Here are a few things that seem to be working for me right now – try some or all of them and let me know how you get on.

1. Sit down and be still for a few moments. Focus on your breathing or an object – whatever helps you still your mind. Write a list of things you want to have done by the end of the day. You can draw pictures if you prefer.

2. The advanced version of this process is to then pick the item on the list which has the highest priority and highlight it in some way, or move it in to another column on the page and focus on just that one task until it is complete. Then move the next most important item into that column and repeat.

2. Use visualisation to imagine your day in front of you and what you want to get done. Run it like a movie in your head – first I am going to do this, then this, then this.

3. See yourself at the end of the day having completed those tasks and how that will make you feel.

4. Allocate yourself some time in the day to do your random activities (like playtime), and be strict with yourself sticking to your allocation.

5. Try and find ways of getting things done that suit your personality. For example, if you have to hang out the washing, make the activity creative – sort the washing items by age, colour, or who they belong to. Create a work of art on the washing line. Use all the same colour pegs, or make a patterned lines of pegs based on their colour.

I’m thinking of giving my left brain and right brain behaviours names – that way I can call upon each of them to give me a hand at the appropriate times. Brian and Brina come to mind. I’ll keep you posted

Life is sunshine and rain

Gratitude, Possiblity, Uncategorized No Responses »

Jan 032012

It’s summer time in New Zealand, and since Xmas we have had the worst weather I can remember in more than 15 years. It seems to have rained non-stop since Boxing Day. Not much fun for campers poor things, (I’ve had my share of washouts when under canvas with my children), but actually I quite enjoyed it for a change. Firstly, I got to do some decluttering which I badly needed to do, but wouldn’t have done if the weather had been fine, and secondly I started a new jigsaw puzzle. Doing jigsaws is an activity which I only allow myself over Xmas, since it is so all-consuming and keeps me up till 2am most mornings, just looking for that next piece.

We wouldn’t appreciate the sunshine if it wasn’t for the rain. Rain gives us the chance to do things we wouldn’t do in the sunshine. Rain reminds us how great the sunshine is. Rain brings growth and renewal. Any rain and sunshine mixed together brings us a rainbox. Or two.

Bye Bye Christmas, hello Happy New Year

Gratitude, happiness No Responses »

Dec 302011

Well, Christmas has been and gone in New Zealand and we are just waiting for the New Year to arrive. All the signs are here. Road blocks at Mount Maunganui, the beach nearby, to make the area a pedestrian-only zone for the annual celebrations which take place there every year; liquor bans for a radius of several kilometres to ensure that drunk and disorderly behaviour from a select but obnoxious group is kept to a minimum. A higher police presence doing random checks for alcohol concealed in cars or bags, mid-afternoon breathtesting just down from the ocean beach.

None of this bothers me at all. In fact I am grateful for the resources that the country puts into enabling people to have a good time following an age-old tradition of partying and seeing the New Year in with music and fireworks at the beach, while trying very hard to make sure it is an occasion that all the family, young and old, can enjoy without fear of being hurt or abused. Sure, it is a bit more inconvenient for most of us, in fact very inconvenient for a few local residents (though they have a lot to gain by being well protected) .

Christmas was an especially important time for our family this year, as we said farewell to a beloved Nana the week before Xmas. We were grateful to have the opportunity to regroup on Xmas Day and just to enjoy each other’s company, with the reminder in the back of our minds that we do not live for ever and that each day and each person matters. What we enjoyed most was not the food or the presents, but spending time together with mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces and a few close friends. Wherever you are in the world, and whatever holiday you are celebrating, or not, I hope that 2012 brings you good health, happiness and hope for the future. Kia Ora.

Addicted to complaining

Generosity No Responses »

Dec 202011

I was working with a client recently when we started discussing his very emotional (frustrated) response to a particular problem he was having at work. He had got so wound up about it that he had become redfaced and flustered looking. To me, he had the classic look of someone who would have a heart attack if he kept responding in this kind of way to things that irritate him.

At the time we laughed, but I reflected on the incident later and when I bumped in to him again we talked about the incident some more. Have you calmed down now, I asked him? “But I love getting angry and complaining”, was his honest response. That got me thinking. Behind every behaviour lies a positive benefit of some kind to the doer, otherwise we wouldn’t do it. By positive, what I mean is that we benefit from it in some way which seems useful to us, even if that behaviour does sabotage us in another way.

I started wondering what was behind many people’s tendency to gossip, complain and be critical of others. You only have to go in to many workplaces to find this happening So what is it about these kind of behaviours that makes them appealing? Here are a few ideas I came up with.

Gossiping and putting other people down gives us a sense of power, self-righteousness and superiority, even if we do it behind their back.
Complaining about other people’s behaviour satisfies our sense of justice and supports the idea that our view of the world is the right one.
When we can make other people look bad, we look good in comparison.

I’m not suggesting that everyone is perfect, or that we have no reason to complain at any time. What I am suggesting is that while complaining and criticising might give us a short term ego fix, it is a toxic behaviour which will undermine our wellbeing and our relationships with other people in the long term. The anti-dote – be generous – focus on what is good about that person – it is usually possible to find something good about others if you try hard enough. If you really need to have a moan, write it down and then tear it up. And if you can’t say something good about someone when you are in the company of others, then seal those lips!

Welcoming uncertainty and going with the flow

Possiblity, Uncertainty No Responses »

Nov 032011

Xmas in New Zealand is the long school holiday as it is summer here right now, and I am taking every opportunity to laze around and read without allowing myself to notice that the carpet needs vaccuuming or that there is washing to be done. I found a gem this week at the local book shop in the book entitled “Embracing Uncertainty” by Susan Jeffers.

As someone who has in the past had a strong need for certainty about most things, it has been really good to remind myself that uncertainty can be exciting and a great opportunity to learn more about ourselves and to explore new paths, rather than a fearful state to be in. You see, the need for certainty can bring great unhappiness and anxiety, while being open to uncertainty can bring excitement and possibiity for a future not yet clear.

Needing certainty can cause us to try to control everything in our lives. We expect people and events to turn out a particular way, and feel let down when they don’t. We adopt certain views about how things “should” be done, and close our minds to the possiblity that there are other and different ways. We form opinions and judge people whose opinions differ from ours. We set goals and make plans but then get attached to the outcomes. It starts to matter to us desperately that we achieve these things, to the extent that we are hugely disappointed when things don’t turn out the way we want them to.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with planning. It is a useful tool to help us move forward and progress towards achieving what we want in life. But we also need to let go of our attachment to how things work out. It’s like saying “whatever happens things will work out fine”. For example, I’d like the new job I have just applied for but it will be OK if I don’t get it. There might be a better job out there, or maybe there is a way that I can make my current job more satisfying. There is nothing wrong with having an opinion either, as long as we are open and accepting to other people whose opinions differ, and are willing to be curious about the reasons they have for those opinions.

Accepting that life is uncertain can be very liberating. The effort required to control everything and the stress often involved in worrying about the way things are going to turn out can be hugely exhausting, and may drain us of energy. How would your life be different if you were able to relax and go with the flow?

The field of NLP (Neuro Linquistic Programming), which looks at how people behave, states that the part of a system which has the most flexibility controls the system. If we extend this idea to ourselves, it means that the more flexible we are and the more options we have to choose from, the more we are likely to succeed. Going with the flow is really about having flexibility – if X doesn’t work out then I will just do Y. Or maybe Z. Developing the flexibility to do and see things differently and be OK with that can be one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself.

Wellness

Wellness No Responses »

Aug 172010

I do some contract work locally. This week at a particular workplace it is wellness week. Each day we get an email with some reminder of ways to keep ourselves emotionally and physically well.

These have reminded me of how easy it is to get out of the habit of keeping well. How easy it is to get into bad habits – eating badly, forgetting to exercise and get fresh air and sunlight, complaining and being negative, being ungrateful and impatient, gossiping.

Life can quickly become toxic and destructive if we don’t have a regular intention to keep ourselves well. Having a daily practice can help. Here are some ideas for how to stay in training for wellness!

On a daily basis (ideally in the morning before starting your day)

Spend a few minutes quietly, just focussing on your breathing, listening for any insights that might come to you.

Visualise how you would like your day to go. What kind of person would you like to be today – with your family, at work, with friends?

Ask yourself what are three things you are grateful for? Write these down

Plan what you want to get done today. Be realistic, and not too ambitious

Remember to build in some relaxation time during the day – perhaps a few minutes with a good book, coffee with a friend, a favourite TV program.

Decide to have a positive impact on someone else’s life during the day. Perhaps do a random act of kindness for someone at work or even for someone you don’t know!

Tell someone dear to you that you love them.

Tune out that inner critic if it is nagging at you. Be kind to yourself and remember that thinking something doesn’t make it true.

What's your definition of happiness?

happiness No Responses »

Aug 162010

I was walking with a friend recently when we got into a discussion about happiness. I was quite surprised when he said that he didn’t aspire to be happy; for him it was more about getting through each day.

It occurred to me that this was actually his definition of happiness, even though he didn’t actually use the word happiness. When I mentioned this he agreed. Yes, he said, I think of happiness as an absence of worry, anxiety or emotional pain. What he was describing seemed to me to be the kind of quiet contentment which has less of the highs and lows of pleasurable experiences, which may be more intense but more brief.

It seems to be that there is something comforting about the contentment kind of happiness. It may not contain the extreme highs and lows of pleasure but is like an old friend, right there beside you through thick and thin if you only take the time to notice and reach out.

What’s your definition of happiness? ‘What will you be seeing, hearing and feeling that let’s you know you are happy?

Being even happier

Gratitude, happiness, Love No Responses »

Aug 162010

I recently heard this question asked : What could you do to be even happier than you are now, even if nothing in the world around you changed? What a powerful question! If nothing in the world around me is changing, then that only leaves … me.

My thoughts, my perspective, my actions. Seeing something in a different, more positive light. Looking for the best of each moment, looking for the opportunity in every difficulty, seeing what is great about every person, being present to whatever is happening, chewing more and tasting every mouthful, listening carefully and respectfully.

What could you do to be even happier than you are now, even if nothing in the world around you changed?

Older Entries

Appreciating what's not working

Childhood revisted

Thinking about my thinking

Life is sunshine and rain

Bye Bye Christmas, hello Happy New Year

Addicted to complaining

Welcoming uncertainty and going with the flow

Wellness

What's your definition of happiness?

Being even happier

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